Commander Shepard Eats Some Haribo Classic Sugar Free Gummi Bears
by TheManWithAPlan
Summary: In which the hero of the galaxy backs up the plumbing.


**Commander Shepard Eats Some Haribo Classic Sugar Free Gummi Bears**

"Serving on the Council isn't how I planned to spend my twilight years. Sometimes it feels like I'm just beating my head against a wall."

"Uh huh."

"Knowing the truth about Sovereign is brutal. It's nightmare stuff. Can't blame others for not wanting to believe it."

"Mhm." Shepard mumbled as he stuffed another handful in his mouth.

"But I know how important it is, so I keep trying. Fight the good fight, right?"

"Sure. Yeah. Totally." Shepard began to reach into the bag again.

"You're not even listening to me are you?"

Shepard looked up with a somewhat guilty expression.

"Mebbe..." he awkwardly replied around a mouthful of candy.

Anderson sighed and hung his head. Maybe Udina wasn't always wrong...

Then he looked up with a slightly bewildered expression. "Wait, what are you even eating?"

"Candy."

"I can see that. But where'd you get it?"

"Ordered it online."

"Seriously?"

"What?"

"Why would you order some random candy off the internet?"

"Five dollars for a five pound bag."

"Wha-? I don't even...You're a Spectre. You could literally take candy from a baby and it would be perfectly legal."

Shepard shrugged.

"It's not like Cerberus gives me a salary or anything. I'm working pro bono here, and if I've got the chance to save a few credits, then who am I to get picky?"

Anderson wrinkled his nose. "Smells funny."

Shepard idly sniffed the bag. He went briefly crosseyed before shaking his head and resuming his feast.

"You sure that's still good to eat?"

"Uh, hello? Sole survivor of Akuze here. I ate nothing but my liquefied squadmates and what I'm fairly sure had to be the thresher maw equivalent of cum for fifteen days before the extraction team showed up. I think I can handle some stale candy."

"Thresher maw cum? But how'd you get it if they don'y they even have a-"

"That's for me to carry to the grave, and for you to never find out."

Six Hours Later

Liara leaned against the door with a concerned expression.

"Shepard? You still in there?"

A moaning keen usually reserved for only the dead and the dying rose up in response.

"How's it going?"

"Do you really want to know?"

"Not really."

"Too bad."

Liara fidgeted before giving the room exit a long, parting look.

"Brace yourself, you blue-eyed bitch. Stay a while, and listen to the story of the civil war currently taking place in my colon."

"Please don't."

"First off, and I assure you this is the least of it, it's like my mouth and my ass have switched places. I'm now vomiting something out of my butt with what I can only describe as having the consistency of molten rubber fired out with the force of an M-451 Firestorm and I'm shitting something out of my mouth that tastes like someone took every bodily secretion of every known sapient species and even some unknown sapient species who sweat out piss or something, blended it together with a gentle helping of a krogan's sweaty quartet ballsack, and left this Satan's cocktail to roast in the light of a radioactive sun."

"Well technically, all suns are radio-"

"Liara I love you but seriously shut the fuck up for a second. Now, as I was saying, imagine all of this going on for an uninterrupted three days. That's where I've been, Monday to Wednesday, twenty four hours a day with no sign of a punch out card. Know why I couldn't help you with the Shadow Broker? I was shitting. Yeah, you know when Thane's son was doing crack or whatever and he asked to see me and you had to tell him I was in a meeting with the Council? I was shitting. Know why I couldn't help Tali with her trial? Yeah, you guessed it: Shitting."

"Wait so Tali was convicted of treason because you were-"

"Exactly. I want you to understand the full extent of my situation that it forced me to abandon one of my closest friends and logical next hookup in her darkest hour because I ate some fucking candy diarrhea hate bears. Do you understand now? It's DEFCON One down below so now the galaxy is just going to have to live without Commander Shitting Shepard for a solid workweek. The last time that happened was when I was dead."

"Oh. Well-"

"No seriously Liara, call Miranda and tell her to get TIM on the horn. We're gonna need a new Lazarus Project just to rebuild the ruin of my asshole."

Liara, as discreetly as possible, had been moving her way out of the bedroom for the entire conversation. She frantically thumbed for the door to open before almost full out sprinting into the elevator.

"Liara?"

A sigh, followed by the very wet and very loud sound of something splashing.

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**Appropriate tags are appropriate.**


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